the first month or so

if forced to sum the first month or so in one word, i'd choose "anxious."  i wish it could be "joy" or "love" or even the phrase "full of sleep" (ha), but it's just not.  i spent the first two weeks of eliza's life completely anxiety ridden.  anxious that she wasn't breathing, that she wasn't eating enough, sleeping enough, pooping enough...all of it was completely overwhelming.  i still maintain that without my mother, i most certainly would have ended up with a long-term stay at the local psychiatric hospital.


anxiety is a cruel emotion.  it robbed me of what should have been a time full of joy.  as someone who struggled(s?) with fertility, i spent the better part of the past year and a half with anxiety as my best friend.  i though it would cease once i became pregnant, but instead it intensified.  i constantly worried that i would lose the baby.  i don't think i really 'bonded' with eliza until a couple of weeks after she was born, as i'd spent so much time worried that she wouldn't live.  it's so silly now, looking at my healthy almost nine week old, but at the time, it was all so very very real.


melanie mclellan took newborn photos for us in mid-june and gave me some advice to help with the anxiety and shared her own fears, which were partly alleviated by this monitor:  Angelcare Baby Movement and Sound Monitor, Blue.  dan installed it for me in eliza's crib and i was able to let her sleep there...but only for a few nights.  i was spending more and more time at night lying awake listening to the monitor, going to her room to check on her, etc.  so, feel free to pass judgment, but i put her in bed with me.  and it's been lovely sleep since.  i love to wake up and see that she's right there.  any sound she makes, i can see if she needs me by opening my eyes, not getting out of bed and walking to her room.  since three and a half weeks, eliza has slept at least a four hour stretch each night, which means i'm getting more sleep, too.  i know that eventually i'll have to put her in her own room and bed, but for now, it works for us.


my friend kellie and her husband, adam, warned me that the first three weeks would be a blur, and looking back - they totally are.  i recall the anxiety, but don't feel nearly as much of it now.  i think that what i'll end up taking with me from that first month is how smitten i am with our little girl.  


aren't you smitten with her, too?

the first

she called when i was already in bed.  i should have known, given our conversation only earlier that afternoon, what the news was.  the test was positive.  after approximately a month of marriage, my baby sister was pregnant.  i felt the conflicted feelings expressed through her tears barely brushed the depth of conflict in my own heart.  as we hung up, the tears flowed freely.  i had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year.  as a healthy, then twenty-six year old, i never dreamed i would have problems.  after months of temperature taking in wee hours of the morning, drugs that altered my ability to think of anything but the hormones raging inside me, i could not believe that kara was having a honeymoon baby.  i did my best to be there for her, as she was not immediately thrilled with the news.  i'm sure i failed in so so many ways.  i am happy that now, all is behind us.  

i have a sweet, perfect baby niece, isabella claire, affectionately known as bella claire.  i was endlessly surprised at how quickly i fell in love with her...and how much closer i felt to kara.  there is nothing more beautiful in the world than a new mother and her child.  


bella claire's birthday was quite dramatic, but she's a healthy, incredibly happy almost FOUR month old now.  sweet husband dan got me a video camera for christmas and we attempted to record some of the events of kara, rick and bella claire's big day.